Leaving and Being Left
by SamiJoe
Summary: [COMPLETE] Another "Say Goodnight, Gracie" rewrite. Not at all Lit.


Title: Leaving and Being Left  
  
Rating: PG-13, but only for a tiny bit of language.  
  
Summary: Yet another re-write of the Jess/Rory scene on the bus. It goes a little different this time, will it change anything?  
  
Author's Note: This is probably just going to be a one-parter. It's written in Rory's POV, and starts...well, you can see where it starts. It's not Lit at all. Well, maybe a little. But don't expect Lit-ness. I'd really appreciate reviews. Thanks, and I hope you like it.  
  
"This is my stop." I'm still wondering why he's here, on this bus, on a bus, but I don't ask. He probably wouldn't tell me anyway.  
  
"Okay." Wow. What an articulate person. I look back to ask if he'll call, but my eye catches something I didn't expect to see: a bag. A duffel bag, actually. The kind people take when they go away. So I sit back down.  
  
"I thought this was your stop?" I just ignore his comment, though. Did he think I wouldn't see it? It's right here in front of my face! It's taunting me and telling me something I don't want to know.  
  
"Day trip?"  
  
"What?" Oh, now, Jess. Come on. You're not dumb. Figure it out.   
  
"The bag?" I can hear the anger rising in my own voice. I hope he can, too. But he doesn't answer. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't silence. "The bag, Jess. Yours, I assume?"  
  
"Yeah." Does he have nothing to say for himself? Is he just trying to get me mad?   
  
"Say something, Jess. Look me in the eye and explain to me why you're sitting on a bus with a bag!" A few other passengers turn to look at me. I guess it came out louder than I intended.  
  
"I'm going to California." Hey, now.   
  
"California?" Look at me, I'm like a parrot. But there's nothing better to say. Has he ever even been to California?  
  
"Yeah. My dad's there." His dad? His...his dad? But he left when Jess was born. Did he call? Did he send a letter?  
  
"Your dad?" Can I do nothing but repeat his words?  
  
"He came by the diner. So now I'm going to go see him."   
  
"When?"   
  
"Now." Yeah, thanks. I knew that.  
  
"When did he come, Jess?" Why didn't he tell me?   
  
"Last night."   
  
"Jess! Open up that freaking monosyllabic mouth and talk to me!" He doesn't respond. "God, Jess! You were just going to leave? Were you going to say something? Is there a note waiting for me at home? A phone message?"  
  
"No." Well, I can't say I didn't expect that answer.  
  
"No. Of course not. I'm just your girlfriend. I've got no right to know when you're going across the country." I emphasize that last word.  
  
"Rory, I'm-"  
  
"Sorry?" I finish, a little hopeful that that's what he was going to say.  
  
"I guess." Not the right response.  
  
"You guess. Okay." I take a breath. "Why are you leaving?"  
  
"I told you."   
  
"You should tell me another thousand times if that's how much I ask you!" He just sits there. Sighs. "Don't leave me, Jess." That came out much more needy than I meant it to.  
  
"Sorry." Is he? Is he really sorry?  
  
"You can't. Everything's at home."   
  
"Not for me. Nothing's there for me." At first I realize what he's saying. He doesn't like school, or the diner, or Luke. But then I think of another meaning. I'm there. And-  
  
"I'm nothing?"   
  
"You're leaving." At first I don't understand.  
  
"No, you're leaving!"  
  
"Yale, Rory. Yale. Leaving." That little patronizing jerk.  
  
"For college. It's different."   
  
"How?"  
  
"Well, for one, we won't accidentally meet on a bus while I'm trying to make my silent escape."  
  
"I should have told you."  
  
"Damn right." Yeah, this seemed like as good a time as any in this conversation to start swearing.  
  
"But I-"  
  
"Didn't? I know."   
  
"I just..." And he trails off.  
  
"What? Just what? Do you have a reason? Something to justify this? 'Cause if you do, I'd really like to hear it."   
  
"Me, too!" Who was that? I look around and see that a lady a few rows up is listening. Actually, I see that almost everyone on the bus is listening, but no one else is commenting. I just look away. Who cares if they hear?  
  
"Well, you've got an audience now. Let's hear it." I don't know if I'm trying to lighten the mood or what. I think for a second that maybe I'm trying not to cry. But then I realize that I'm already crying, and my face is wet with my tears. I wipe at them and then cross my arms over my chest. I know it's a defensive move, but I'm doing it anyway.  
  
"I don't have a reason." The bus stops again and I remember that I'm supposed to be in school right now. And that my school is one stop back.  
  
"Don't leave." God, why do I keep saying that? I'm pathetic.  
  
"Why not?" He wants a reason? Asshole.  
  
"I'm...I'm...pregnant." There is a loud gasp from the crowd, but I don't turn around.  
  
"We never had sex." Okay, so that plan failed.  
  
"I'm-"  
  
"Right. There's no reason." Oh, he's so smug.   
  
"Aren't I enough of a reason?" After thinking briefly that I hope I never act this needy, I brace myself for the answer. Obviously there's only one. It's no.   
  
"Rory." Don't want to answer it, do you?  
  
"Tell me!" Glass could have broken with that scream. And I sit here and wait for an answer, but there is none. He's staying silent. I don't know if it's because he doesn't want to open up and say yes, or because the answer is no. I keep waiting, but he won't speak. So I change the subject, because there's a lot I need to say if this is the last time I see him. "They told me you were bad. They said you were a bad influence, that you were trouble. They told me that I shouldn't date you because you'd bring me down with you. I guess they didn't know that you'd leave me behind." I'm still staring right at him. He won't look at me, but I can see his eyes. I can see that that hurt him. "They said not to love you, Jess." I don't mean to sound so wishy-washy. He looks up now, and right at me.  
  
"Did you listen?" I almost can't believe my eyes. He seems scared, vulnerable.  
  
"No." There's a loud "aww" noise from everyone else, but I guess that's a hazard of having a life-changing, or at least location-changing, conversation on a crowded bus. He opens his mouth to speak, but I've got something to say first. "I think I may have loved you."  
  
"May have?" Is this what it looks like when Jess takes down all of his walls? Because right now it looks like a scared little boy. It looks like a scared little boy who wants to be accepted.  
  
"I don't want to blackmail you." I wonder whether he'll understand what I'm saying. At first I was going to say that if he left then yes, I may have. But if he stayed, then I would. Love him. But it wasn't right to do that, make it a choice. I'd love him if he would stay with me. I think he understands, though, because he nods.  
  
"But you could?" I think he means that I could blackmail him.   
  
"Yeah, I-"  
  
"You could just stop loving me?" Oh. I guess he wasn't talking about blackmailing.  
  
"I could act like it." I don't know if this is the right answer or not. I wonder if I really could stop loving him. I wonder if this is even love that I'm feeling. Maybe it's just a desperate attempt to get him to stay. Maybe I'm imagining it all.  
  
"I couldn't." Or maybe not. "I love you." Oh, God.  
  
"Don't tell me that." I didn't expect to say that. It just slipped out before I could think better. "Don't tell me that and then leave."  
  
"I'd never do that." There's a little spark of hope in me. Not just a spark, it's a whole fire.  
  
"You won't leave?" He wasn't going to leave!  
  
"You weren't supposed to be here."   
  
"You won't leave?" Second time around, will he answer?  
  
"You were supposed to be on another bus, an earlier bus."   
  
"You won't tell me that and then leave?"  
  
"Not intentionally." Not intentionally. This meeting was unintentional. So, telling me that was unintentional. So leaving...leaving after saying that would be unintentional, too.   
  
"But this wasn't intentional." It's not a question, it's just a statement. "So if you say that, then you can't blame yourself, right? Can't blame yourself for telling me that you love me and then going away?"  
  
"It's not my fault."  
  
"The hell it's not!"  
  
"It's not."  
  
"Is anything, Jess? Is anything ever your fault? No, right? Not if you've got someone else to blame."  
  
"Luke's the one who kicked me out!" I think that may be the first time he's yelled during this whole encounter.  
  
"No, he didn't." Luke wouldn't kick Jess out.  
  
"Well, unless 'then you have to go' can be interpreted another way, yeah, he did."   
  
"Why would Luke make you leave?" What a liar. I can't believe I ever trusted Jess.  
  
"Because I flunked out!"  
  
"Of school?" Could I have come up with a more stupid reply?  
  
"Yes."   
  
"You...you said you were going enough. You said you had it under control." I'm so confused. He failed? Jess failed?   
  
"You're just like Luke."  
  
"Why? Because we both care about you?" I feel bad for Luke. I bet he doesn't even know that Jess is gone yet.  
  
"Because you both butt in when it's none of your business!"  
  
"You made it my business."  
  
"How? When?" I can't think of anything to say. That first night at Sookie's dinner? The night mom was gone and he came over? When we kissed at Sookie's wedding? On the bridge after the dance marathon? When did this start? When did this thing, that we're calling a relationship, start?  
  
"Sometime between 'Goodnight, Dodger' and the dance marathon?"   
  
"I didn't mean to share my life with you."   
  
"That's what a relationship is!"  
  
"Well maybe I didn't mean to have a relationship." Oh, my God. I can't believe him.  
  
"What?" I'm waiting for an answer but I know that he won't talk. "So what was I? Some kind of game?"  
  
"You know you weren't."   
  
"Do I?"  
  
"You weren't. I just...I'm not used to it."  
  
"Well, I guess you won't have to get used to it." How long have we been on this bus? It feels like a long time. I look back and see that it's much more empty than it was before. I wonder how far we are from home. I wonder how far this bus goes.  
  
"Not if I leave."  
  
"Are you going to leave?" I finally realize that it's up to him. I won't change his mind. He barely even took me into consideration. If he were to stay, it wouldn't be for me. And he wouldn't stay. He'd go off to California, to see his dad. Maybe he'd never come back. He doesn't say anything. "The least you could do is tell me. Say goodbye. It's your second chance."  
  
"There's nothing for me there."  
  
"Me, Jess! I'm there." This same argument again. It hurts more to say it this time.  
  
"Not for long."  
  
"So that's why you're leaving? Because I'm going to college?" He knew this was coming, didn't he? He knew I was going to go to college.  
  
"You're leaving, too! This would have happened eventually."   
  
"No, it wouldn't. I'd come home. I'd come see you."  
  
"What, between classes? On the weekends when all you can do is homework and study? That wouldn't be us together, that would be me and you, in the same room." Didn't we already have this conversation? And then I said something about using a jet? Oh, it was Dean. The person he thought he was most different from, now they're arguing the same point.  
  
"That's not true."  
  
"You know it is, Rory! You know it'd be over."  
  
"I don't want it to be over." I don't know what the solution to this is. I don't know how to make it work. Is he right?  
  
"Yeah, well, sometimes things happen even if we don't want them to."   
  
"I know." Now that I've thought about Dean, I've got him on my mind. And our little love triangle from hell. I didn't mean to love Jess. I didn't mean that to happen, but it did. And fate was getting in my way again? No way. "But this...it doesn't have to happen."  
  
"You'd leave or I'd leave. And if you left, I'd probably go not long after."  
  
"Yale's half an hour away, not across the nation."  
  
"Twenty-four point five miles." He said that really quietly.   
  
"No. Twenty-two point eight." It hurts to think of those days now. Happy days. But were they ever really happy? We had so little time together before conversations turned into fights. Before comfortable silence turned into hiding things from one another.  
  
"That's right." I don't want to mention it again, the inevitable. He's leaving and if he won't stay then I want a goodbye. But I don't want to interrupt this talk we're having now. About nothing. Or...about avoidance, maybe. We've had a lot of these.  
  
"Tell me goodbye, Jess." He looks reluctant to say anything. I'm hoping that he's going to say that he'll stay at home. That goodbye will only last until he sees me at the diner this afternoon.   
  
"Goodbye." The bus stops and I sit still for a minute. I'll have to take a taxi, I guess. I don't know whether to go home or to school, where I'm already late.   
  
"Goodbye." If I weren't already crying, I'd start now. I can't stand saying goodbye to him. But there really was no other way. I get up and walk to the door. I turn around what has to be five times. He's looking at me every time, and every time we make eye contact. And then I reach the end of the aisle and it's get off or turn back. Again, there's only one choice. I get off and stand on the sidewalk. The bus passes and I look up at Jess, looking back at me. And then I turn around and get a taxi. "Stars Hollow." Like I could go to school. I must look like a mess after all this crying. I just need to go home and talk to mom. I just need to get over this, forget Jess. But I've got doubts in my mind as to whether I could ever really forget Jess. 


End file.
